On a deeper level, you have to ask yourself, “What's it all about?" It is clear-cut to us that our life is about serving G-d (Ethics 6:11); therefore, anything that furthers this objective is proper and good but any distracting factor is a deviation from the goal and purpose of our lives. You must ask yourself, "is this relationship beneficial to my service of G-d? Or is it only a distraction from life's main purpose and goal?" To be in a loving relationship is your ultimate best bet to serve G-d. In fact, marriage is the absolute and utmost level of making this world a dwelling place for G-d. A relationship between a man and woman, in its proper context, in the framework of marriage, provides a place for G-d to rest His presence. But pre-marital relationship is discouraged, and most definitely unnecessary.
- What is it all about? I just do it, because I have to, some times there are things I like and agree to, but others I don’t, most I don’t.
- Yes, instead of running around with all sorts of woman and doing the wrong things I am with one woman and we enjoy each other and when we feel its right we bring children into the world and bring them up to teach them how to be good people. To me religion is a factor, but it’s to me more important to be a good person that actually brings blessings to the world. There are plenty of ultra orthodox people that are vile human beings who won’t change.
1. I fail to ever understand what it matters if some seed is wasted, it will be wasted regardless. Men have nocturnal emissions when they abstain from sex regardless of how much they keep there head in good things. The body cannot handle not releasing, but if you wait and don’t do it manually then this will lead to a lot of aggression and resentment. You won’t be able to function like a human being and you can fight it but you cannot beat out certain needs. Sex is exactly like food in my mind. True I wouldn’t die from not having sex, but when you diet and don’t eat all day you get very mad, you cannot function, and life becomes a living hell.
What you are saying happens to be a false generalization based on the confines of someone who grew up ignorant to the outside world. I believe one should date and if a person firmly tells himself "No it won't lead to anything very
serious" then they are fine. We are human beings not animals and can therefore control our lust and our sexual drive. Sorry to say but to pick out little idiosyncrasies and try to use them to establish a caveat against casual dating
is stupid, naive, and horribly arrogant.
1. I agree with this comment. You need to understand who you are dating. You cannot get setup and expect that the person you are marrying will be right for you. If you go into a marriage only for the purpose of serving G-d of course the marriage will be “successful”, but its “successful” just like a business venture. Marriage is not a business venture and I do not believe our ONLY purpose is serving G-d. What about being happy together? Going out and enjoying your lives and having fun? Having interest in other things other than just religion? I believe by dating a person you will get to know the person and I strongly believe you should talk about sex with whoever you marry ahead of time. If you are a very sexual person and you marry someone who’s not sexual there will be a lot of resentment and problems. No one can say exactly what G-d wants, but I don’t think he wants depressed people that don’t enjoy all the amazing things G-d has given us. Examples of likes, Clothing, Arts, Video Games, Exercise, Sports, These ultimately are done not to serve G-d, so does that make them wrong? If you do look at the details however everything technically does serve G-d. For another example if you play for a sports team and you make millions of dollars and go to a store and buy a $50k watch the profit goes to pay employees who can then take care of there family. Then the parents will have money to use to buy other things that help other families and the cycle continues bringing blessings to the world.
1. This argument strongly depends on circumstances. If for example I go to a business meeting and I start shaking
the hands of 3 executives I will speak with and one is a female will I disrespect her and pull away? What could
this mild touch lead to? It is true you might find her attractive and vice versa, but this is neither the time nor
place to do anything. Even after the meeting unless you cannot control yourself then nothing will happen. There has to be some obvious restraint. As a married man I see plenty of beautiful women walking around and I would never jump on top of them like an animal, so why in this setting would it be any different. It only would be different if you want something to happen, these things don’t happen on there own someone has to actually make a move and the second party has to actually accept. If you had cousin and you see them in shuul and they say “hi” and give you a kiss on the cheek does this really mean anything? Maybe if there beautiful you will have a lustful thought, but you are human, you are made up of the same things that make up animals and you will have urges and you just need to control them when its inappropriate, but to completely run from it takes you to a whole different level. What about in the case of touching your grandma or aunt? How far can this be taken? To your own mother? What about father if you have gay tendencies? As a human being you need constant human interaction or you will be mentally unhealthy and this could lead to insanity. This is a very gray area and must be taken differently based on the situation. I would never go to a beautiful woman in a bar and kiss her on the cheek, but I would kiss my aunt on the cheek when she invites me over. One is respectful and one is disrespectful. If you look at it from the actual questions point of view this is a very gray area.
It is forbidden by our rabbi's for men and women to mingle for one simple reason: it leads to lewdness. This reason cannot be contradicted by any source, for being that the rabbi's imposed this restriction, this means that EVERYONE is in this category, regardless of age, sex, race, time and space. The Code of Jewish Law forbids even
looking at a woman's fingernail in a way of lust, needless to say touch, and definitely not to be intimate.
1. Yes in many cases it does, but you need to realize men and woman need to talk to understand the opposite sex. Imagine never talking to a woman and then getting setup and married to a woman and never even talking to one prior to that date, but your mother. How would you even know how to talk to a woman? You would be a fish out of water in a very bad situation. Why is it bad? Because once that initial shock wears off you will see the person for who they are and if they are not what you expected then you’re married and unhappy.
2. This is where it gets hard for people to understand religion. So basically I should be inhuman, I should never look up while I walk and if I have a thought because I see a woman nails then I’m sinning? What about when you go to the mall and you see a pretty woman’s face that’s far worst then seeing her nails. Why not were Burqa and gloves and
possibly sedate people? This way you will never have a thought or feeling of your own.
Rabbinically,
other prohibitions have been added, such as touching in general, sleeping in the same bed, handing things over directly, and viewing parts of the body otherwise covered
1. I don’t see where this makes you feel closer to your wife in fact this pushes me sometimes so far from my wife I don’t even want to see her, because this brings me anguish. All sexual acts aside how can you tell someone don’t kiss her hello when you come home from work, don’t let her pass you a salt shaker or even a baby for that matter. The line has to be drawn it’s just not possible for people to be so distant from there wives for 12 days out of the month! That’s like just living with a room mate. You don’t want to talk to each other because ultimately you’re not mentally in a comfortable state.
R. Eleazar stated: Who are referred to in the Scriptural text, Your hands are full of blood? Those that commit masturbation with their hands.
1. I have a huge issue with this. If you are with your wife and don’t want to get her pregnant then you must abstain from sex completely? Or is this only in the situation your wife is on niddah and your suffering and you need to masturbate? Or what about the 13 year old that just learned about his sexual urges and won’t get married for at least another 7 years. I guess there all murderers. Is it realistic that the same sperm from one day will still be good several years later? I doubt it would be good even days after. The penis may let out sperm during the day slightly and you
wouldn’t even know.
The Shulchan Aruch in Even haEzer Chapter 21 talks about the requirement of men being far from women lest men feel tempted to sin.
1. I don’t think that just being near ones wife will make them want to sin. Being anywhere could give you those urges and you will want to fulfill them with your wife and if you can’t then there’s a huge situation. Some people can handle niddah and others can’t. What I mean by this is some people literally will have withdrawals were they cant function they pee semen and cannot function in a daily environment. This all depends on how long the person holds out of course, each person can hold out differently. Below is a list of some of the laws in my opinion each only brings you so far from your wife that It breaks the bond and your not interested in fixing It month after month. I can’t tell you how many times I and I’m sure most men get into massive fights with there wives because it’s just way to much. I hate to bring up this point, but this is why people used to have 2 wives or more. Now its illegal and I wouldn’t want more than one wife, because I love mine, but there’s only so much someone can take.
+ They cannot touch (even indirectly using an intermediate object).
+ They cannot handle an object at the same time.
+ They cannot sit together on an object that moves (a swing etc..).
+ They cannot eat from the same plate.
+ They cannot serve food to each other.
+ They must sleep in separate beds.
+ They may not engage in flirtatious behavior.
+ Although spouses must continue to dress attractively, they cannot dress provocatively.
+ They should cover parts of the body that are normally uncovered only in front of their spouse.
+ They should not wear perfume, cologne, etc.
1b. Is it me or does the statement seems sexist? I just get the feeling that its saying "run from sin(woman) like the plague".
In conclusion of today’s post I covered several things that bother me. I notice no one online mentions a word about having problems with there wife online during the niddah period. I am sure that people are just afraid to mention what’s in there hearts and its also a very scary thing to bring up to a rabbi. I do feel like everything is a sin in the rabbi’s eyes and there’s no point to this world except serving G-d. Of course I also think to myself if it wasn’t for non-Jews or non ultra orthodox thinkers no diseases would ever be cured, because everyone would be praying all day and have no other purposes. We are very lucky to live in such a blessed world were we can be happy and enjoy many things that our ancestors couldn’t. Why must we abstain or look at it likes its trivial just because it may not serve G-d(or at least we don’t think it will) even though like I mentioned in most cases it still might. Everyone has his/her purpose in this world regardless of Jew or non-Jew and every single person and most beliefs help bring something positive into this world sometimes its just hard to see it. The world is a world of colors.
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*When I say niddah I'm mentioning the 7 cleans days not the 5, its those days that really are the true test of control, because obviously no ones having intercourse while there wife is bleeding as its not something that most couples find
appealing.
